My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
