cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
