i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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