You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
