She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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