You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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