Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
