wrigley field is MILF paradise
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
