The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
