I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
