I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
