I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Found your dick twin last night
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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