If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
