i'm signing you up for texting rehab
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
