I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
