Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
