The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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