If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
