My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
