im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
