Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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