just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
