Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
