Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
