Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
