We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You're like the curious george of whores
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
