I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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