i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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