I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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