After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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