Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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