I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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