I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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