why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
