I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
This is my life. Enjoy the view
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
