he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
