At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
