things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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