i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I believe in your delicious
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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