my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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