I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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