I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I need to sanitize my soul.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
