i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
