I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
