FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
