Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
