No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
