i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
