And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
