We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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