When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I deserve this hangover.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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